As I stood in my kitchen at midnight licking blue icing from my fingertips I looked down at my most recent creation and thought,
"I should have had somebody else do this. Why am I decorating a cake the night before Mother's Day?"
My mind raced through the litany of my faults:
Bad at organizing
Didn't plan ahead
Should have done this last weekend when I had more time & was off
Need more patience
Should have done this Wednesday after work
Suck at parties
Lousy at housework
Over and over and over and over. Same stuff different words. I know negative thoughts breed faster than rabbits and are harder to get rid of so I try to inject a few "positives" into the cycle:
Everything will be OK
See, I did think ahead in March and started to try and plan for Rowan's birthday but I kept figuring that this week is too busy so I'll do something about it next week. Rowan's birthday was on May 7th, Wednesday. I made him his favorite breakfast, Daddy & Brenna brought cupcakes to his class, and Grammy and Grandpa had a cake and a great spaghetti dinner that night. Rowan wanted to invite his classmates but you can't just invite a few in Kindergarten and I can't afford to take 25 kids to Funworks and I don't think that I am patient (or insane) enough to keep track of all of them in our pool. I explained that cupcakes at school was for his school friends and the party on Sunday was for family. So anyhow if I had just sat down to plan this earlier I wouldn't be planning a birthday party at 2:00 on Mother's Day. I feel like I'm treading water in everyday life so add a special occasion or holiday that I have to plan for and I sink to the bottom until the event is over and done. Maybe someday I'll get better at this. Maybe I won't. I try and keep positive.
But what about that cake? Why not just buy one decorated or ask my Mom to make one?
Because it's my oasis.
When I'm decorating the cake I am in the moment.
It's like a meditation.
Squeeze, lift, move, squeeze, lift, move
I have to stop cleaning the house for a little while and futzing about with stuff I should be doing more often
Mix, scoop, squeeze
Short and simple, I like to do it and it calms me.
I think of my own birthday cakes and how happy I was to see
A Cinderella pumpkin cake with little mice
Barbie in a cake dress
Looking at my birthday cakes made for me by my Mommy I felt special.
They were just perfect and the parties were always fun.
I want to make Rowan feel special.
He always looks at me and tells me I'm beautiful, no matter how rumpled I am.
He always tells me I smell like a rose, even if I've been gardening and smell more like dirt & sweat.
Everyday he tells me he loves me.
In the moment of decorating his cake I think of how much I love him and how special he is.
As I look down with blue tipped fingers at the cake I feel stupid for trying.
If I were more organized, more patient I'd have done this last weekend with all of his classmates and those little gift baggies. Instead I'm hoping that it's good enough.
Hoping that I'm good enough for such a sweet, kind, little boy.