Friday, January 05, 2007

Brave?

There is a very lively discussion happening over at Diabetes Mine. It's in the comments section of the post What Makes You Think I'm Brave? It got me thinking. I say it to Brenna all the time. "You're so brave!" Maybe she'll become sick of hearing me say it and tell me to stop some day. Maybe, just maybe, I can rub together two brain cells and find something more, something different to say to describe my outsider's view of her experience. I watch her, knowing she doesn't understand, and it seems to me like bravery. Maybe I should define bravery.

Bravery, to me, is choosing to get the job done or to do what is right even though you are afraid. Amy at Diabetes Mine describes herself as "Chicken-shit" but she does what must be done. Is it really that far off? I might have a tiny inkling of how she feels. I do what needs to be done for Brenna and I don't feel brave -- I feel numb or angry or scared but I do it anyway. I give my sweet girl the opportunity to poke my finger (and flinch when she does it). I wish I could be the kind of brave that puts on armor, jumps on a horse, and whacks to pieces the evil D-beast for my daughter and knows that at the end of the day everything will be fine. It WILL be fine! I work at making it fine and at the end of the day I'm still afraid it won't be. Afraid of complications. Afraid I'll sleep through the alarm again and she'll go too low in the middle of the night. Does all this make me brave? Yes. Do I have to like it? NO!

This is why I'm up so late reading so many d-blogs and drinking in the experiences of those who have dealt with this far longer than I. Parents whose heartache I share and PWD's who are living through what Brenna is experiencing give me a perspective far broader than daily life in my own little world.

Oh, all of that, and it's time test Brenna again.

I guess it's time to be brave.

6 comments:

Krystal said...

I think you're both brave. It's not like you had another option, but you didn't crumble under the pressure, you did what you have to do. It may not be easy but you're not dwelling on that...you're taking care of bidness :) Good, brave mommy.

Kassie said...

I enjoyed your comment over at Amy's blog. I think that we PWDs are sometimes really harsh when it comes to the things that people who don't have (or take care of someone with) diabetes say.

Amberthyme said...

Krystal - Thank you. I try *really* hard. I did fall apart though,August 18th, all day long . . . but that's a post for another day.

Kassie - We all have our angry days when innocent enough comments pile up and make us want to explode. I just hope I can handle it gracefully when it's my turn. After all, Brenna will be watching and how I handle innocent insensative remarks and blatently rude comments will influence the way she handles them herself.

mcewen said...

You may not see yourself as being brave, but others do.
I only know a little about diabetes [husband] but I imagine that it won't be tiresome hearing the same phrase again and again. Some things can be comforting again and again.
I hope that they are for both of you.
Best wishes

Megan said...

I really agree with how eloquently you expressed your feelings on a somewhat controversial subject. I agree with your thoughts on the matter too. You sound like a great mother!

AmyT said...

Thanks for your comment, Amber, and for continuing the conversation here.

I think there's a certain blind kind of bravery that goes with being a mother; I know I would walk through fire to save my little girls. But when it comes to myself, I just feel a kind of resentful resolve. Actually, what motivates me is that I know I'm doing this for them -- so that they'll have a healthy mommy to lean on.

Thank heavens for kindred spirits like you...